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The Gazette’s traditional April Fool’s fare begins today with this article advising fighters on their choices of armor for SCA combat.
All you new and aspiring fighters out there have been drooling over online images of medieval armor, right? C’mon, admit it. It’s only a question of your bank account that’s holding you back.
The Æthelmearc Gazette is here to tell you that you can have the armor of your dreams. Just be careful what you wish for.
16th century German jousting armor
Pros: Looks way cool and protects you from virtually all kinds of blows
Cons: Heavy and kind of pretentious; lousy visibility through helmet means opponents could sneak up on you and you’d never know it until you’re dead.
15th century Japanese armor, CC BY 2.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=2405226
Pros: lightweight and easy (if time-consuming) to build
Cons: may cause the growth of profuse unwanted facial hair
Late period Maximilian armor with Maltese cross
Pros: Looks waaay cool, provides great protection, holes in faceplate improve breathing and provide some visibility.
Cons: costs eleventy bajillion dollars
15th century German close helm with animal snout.
Pros: Provides good protection, could scare your opponent silly or at least make them laugh so hard you can easily stab them to death.
Cons: The faceplate is unbalanced and has small eye slots providing limited vision, which could cause you to fall face first into the mud and drown.
16th century Ottoman Empire armor
Pros: a cross between chainmail and plate, lightweight while still reasonably protective
Cons: could result in an onset of brooding silences and a proclivity for combat archery
13th c. chainmail from the Morgan Library’s Maciejowski Bible
Pros: lightweight and flexible, looks pretty cool
Cons: Not all that protective if you prefer that your intestines remain inside your body.
13th century German coat of plates, statue of St. Maurice at Magdeburg Cathedral
Pros: lightweight and comfortable
Cons: Apparently turns you into a Rottweiler
12th century chainmail armor from the Walters ms. ” Gloss on The Lamentations of Jeremiah”
Pros: Comes in several festive colors, flexible and easy to move in, shows off a white belt to good effect.
Cons: Open-faced helmet makes it likely you will be stabbed in the face repeatedly
7th century Anglo-Saxon/Germanic “Sutton Hoo” helmet
Pros: You will be considered the coolest guy in your unit.
Cons: You won’t be able to afford to buy any other armor after you’re done paying for the helmet.
Fantasy armor
Pros: Looks pretty cool to modern eyes.
Cons: Nope, Nope, Nope. Stick to video games, dude.
It’s Arianna’s fault. Happy April Fools’ Day!