• About the Gazette
  • Kingdom and Local Events
  • Submissions

The Æthelmearc Gazette

~ Covering the Kingdom of Æthelmearc of the SCA

The Æthelmearc Gazette

Category Archives: Humor

Armor Pros and Cons

01 Saturday Apr 2017

Posted by aethgazette in Heavy List, Humor

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

April Fools

The Gazette’s traditional April Fool’s fare begins today with this article advising fighters on their choices of armor for SCA combat.


All you new and aspiring fighters out there have been drooling over online images of medieval armor, right? C’mon, admit it. It’s only a question of your bank account that’s holding you back.

The Æthelmearc Gazette is here to tell you that you can have the armor of your dreams. Just be careful what you wish for.

German Jousting armor

16th century German jousting armor

Pros: Looks way cool and protects you from virtually all kinds of blows

Cons: Heavy and kind of pretentious; lousy visibility through helmet means opponents could sneak up on you and you’d never know it until you’re dead.

Japanese Armor

15th century Japanese armor, CC BY 2.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=2405226

Pros: lightweight and easy (if time-consuming) to build

Cons: may cause the growth of profuse unwanted facial hair

Maximilian armor

Late period Maximilian armor with Maltese cross

Pros: Looks waaay cool, provides great protection, holes in faceplate improve breathing and provide some visibility.

Cons: costs eleventy bajillion dollars

Bascinet

15th century German close helm with animal snout.

Pros: Provides good protection, could scare your opponent silly or at least make them laugh so hard you can easily stab them to death.

Cons: The faceplate is unbalanced and has small eye slots providing limited vision, which could cause you to fall face first into the mud and drown.

Ottoman armor

16th century Ottoman Empire armor

Pros: a cross between chainmail and plate, lightweight while still reasonably protective

Cons: could result in an onset of brooding silences and a proclivity for combat archery

Maciejowski chainmail

13th c. chainmail from the Morgan Library’s Maciejowski Bible

Pros: lightweight and flexible, looks pretty cool

Cons: Not all that protective if you prefer that your intestines remain inside your body.

Coat of Plates

13th century German coat of plates, statue of St. Maurice at Magdeburg Cathedral

Pros: lightweight and comfortable

Cons: Apparently turns you into a Rottweiler

12th C Chainmail

12th century chainmail armor from the Walters ms. ” Gloss on The Lamentations of Jeremiah”

Pros: Comes in several festive colors, flexible and easy to move in, shows off a white belt to good effect.

Cons: Open-faced helmet makes it likely you will be stabbed in the face repeatedly

Sutton Hoo helmet

7th century Anglo-Saxon/Germanic “Sutton Hoo” helmet

Pros: You will be considered the coolest guy in your unit.

Cons: You won’t be able to afford to buy any other armor after you’re done paying for the helmet.

Fantasy armor

Fantasy armor

Pros: Looks pretty cool to modern eyes.

Cons: Nope, Nope, Nope. Stick to video games, dude.


It’s Arianna’s fault.  Happy April Fools’ Day!

Share this:

  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Email

Like this:

Like Loading...

Christmas Shopping for Medievalists

13 Tuesday Dec 2016

Posted by aethgazette in Humor

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Christmas, Medieval shopping

The Æthelmearc Gazette does not endorse any vendors or products. This article is intended solely for entertainment purposes, and is entirely Arianna’s fault.

Christmas is less than two weeks away, and you say you haven’t found the perfect gift for your SCA friends and kids? Never fear, the Gazette has some great gift ideas for the medievalists in your life!

Medieval knight hoodie: look like you’re in armor even when you’re not! Bonus: keeps your nose warm! $49.99 from ThinkGeek.

armor-hoodie

Medieval battle T-Shirt: Show your love of medieval combat, art, or both! $31.65 from Zazzle.

battle-tee

Unicorn tapestry T-shirt: for those more interested in gentle pursuits. $20.10, also from Zazzle.

unicorn-tee

Knights of the realm wall sculpture: 13″ wall-mounted sculptures of armored men in two different designs. $35 for one or $60 for both from Design Toscano.

knight-wall-hanging

Lancelot and Guenevere shower curtain: make your bathroom look like an illuminated manuscript! $56.95 from CafePress. They have other medieval designs ranging from images out of the Unicorn Tapestries, to castles, weaponry, and scenes of armored men. Search on “medieval shower curtains.”

shower-curtain

Medieval chess set: Figures include medieval knights, kings, horsemen and towers. $99.50 from Wal-Mart.

chess-set

Throne: want to feel like lord of your own castle? This medieval-inspired full-size throne chair is $749 from Design Toscano plus another $97 shipping.

throne

Glass top dragon coffee table: If you’re going to have a medieval throne, you absolutely must have a medieval coffee table to go with it. $397.86 from Wayfair.com.

coffee-table

And for the kids in your life, we have some more great options!

Playmobile Knights play box: start your little ones early with this set of knight and king figures. Comes with weapons (including a functional crossbow), a throne, and a carrying case. $19.99 from Kohls. If you’re feeling generous, Playmobile also offers a castle for $100.

playmible

Go Fish for Art: your kids can play Go Fish with famous renaissance art like the Mona Lisa instead of regular playing cards. $10.99 from Jet.com

go-fish-cards

Make-it-youself unicorn hobby horse: Feeling inspired and ready to do some sewing? Download this pattern to make your child their very own unicorn hobby horse. $9 from Whileshenaps on Etsy.

unicorn-hobby-horse

Knight wall art: You can decorate your kid’s wall with a 25″ x 28″ knight graphic. $17.00 from Stateofthewall on Etsy.

knight-wall-art

Knight and shields toddler bed set: Keep your little one dreaming of knightly deeds with this sheet and blanket set. $25.99 from Target.

toddler-bed-set

Knight-themed books: Medieval historian Ewart Oakeshott wrote a series of books on knights and their armor, weapons, and battles. This is one of several from which you can choose. $13.95 from Barnes and Noble.

oakeshott-book

Happy medieval shopping, everyone!

Share this:

  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Email

Like this:

Like Loading...

SCAdian Steps Bravely into Void Left by Statue Incident

11 Sunday Dec 2016

Posted by aethgazette in Humor

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

humor

photo

photo by Kaitlyn Sweeney

Sadly, the town of Pittston, PA (in the Barony of Endless Hills) suffered a great loss this week when a car demolished their statue of Christopher Columbus, necessitating the removal of the statue until it can be replaced.

Lord Cormacc mac Gilla Brigde from Endless Hills stepped bravely into the void until the northeast Pennsylvania cold forced a retreat.

His feat was even picked up by local news, and he was later interviewed about his “shenanigans” both by an online newspaper and a local radio show. 

Share this:

  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Email

Like this:

Like Loading...

LOLPeerz!

01 Friday Apr 2016

Posted by aethgazette in Humor

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

LOLPeers, Memes

Memes, get your memes here! This is what comes of Gazette editors with too much time on their hands…. and access to photos of Æthelmearc peers we love!

Iladore who me

 

Maynard nap

 

Rurik Sammiches

 

Swings Ursula

 

sexy

 

Handle Hilda

 

Marshal

 

hunkerhauser

 

wet willy

 

Fergus

 

LOLRoyalz

 

Directions

 

Pickup Line

 

Thanks to the many photographers whose pictures we purloined.

This was a conspiracy between Arianna and Ursula with assistance from Hilda. Please don’t hurt us.

More seriously, if anyone does not wish their image used, please email us and we’ll be happy to remove it.

Happy April Fool’s Day!

Share this:

  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Email

Like this:

Like Loading...

Fun Medieval “Facts”

01 Friday Apr 2016

Posted by aethgazette in Humor

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

April Fools

court jesterLooking for strange or funny information about the Middle Ages? Stumped on a topic for your next A&S competition entry? Look no further! Here are some websites with all of the “facts” you need!

Odd medieval facts. A catch-all of silly medieval trivia.

Weird medieval medical practices (not for the faint of heart, possibly NSFW). Learn about how our ancestors treated all sorts of ailments… often unsuccessfully.

Medieval nobles with ridiculous nicknames. Find out who people like Ragnar ‘Hairpants’ and Wladyslaw ‘Spindleshanks’ were.

Unusual medieval weapons. Though this list includes some things we wouldn’t consider all that strange, like trebuchets, there are also some true oddities, like a shield with a port for a pistol.

Anglo-Saxon riddles that you can use to keep your campmates amused at War Practice or Pennsic.

Medieval jokes! Take my wife, please…

“Old English” insults. We’re kind of amazed they didn’t spell it “olde” but hey, don’t be a bespawler!

Medieval torture devices. Also not for the faint of heart, and NSFW. Because, well, torture.

Medieval games – bored with Chess, Neftafl and Go? There are all sorts of interesting games from our period that you can try:

  • Stool ball, a little like cricket
  • Pall-Mall. No, not the cigarettes, this is a variant on croquet or possibly golf.
  • Cockstride, which isn’t as naughty as it sounds.
  • Dwyle Flonking. No, we’re not going to explain, just read for yourself.
  • Shove Groat, for those of you who like petty stakes gambling.

Breughel games

Thanks to Master Dagonell the Juggler for many of the articles on medieval games.

The rest is Arianna’s fault.

Share this:

  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Email

Like this:

Like Loading...

Holiday Heraldry

25 Friday Dec 2015

Posted by aethgazette in Humor

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Feast of Fools

From the East Kingdom Gazette, heraldically correct holiday names and armory for the Feast of Fools. Yes, you can document Feliz Navidad and Hanna Ka Harry!

trree“The Feast of Fools was popular festival in medieval England and France, held on or about January 1, celebrating the biblical principle that “God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise” (1 Cor. 1:27). During the Feast of Fools, mock bishops, popes and other high officials were elected, servants and masters changed places, and other foolery and foolishness was celebrated.”

The complete article and all the heraldic submissions can be found here. Enjoy!

 

Share this:

  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Email

Like this:

Like Loading...

Halloween Caption Contest

23 Friday Oct 2015

Posted by in Humor

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Caption Contest

Greetings,

I have searched my archives to find some of my Æthelmearc Halloween photo shops. I will post a few every so often. Please add your caption, or better yet a very short story for each picture using the comment boxes below.

YIS,
Filipo

dorindafencing

Share this:

  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Email

Like this:

Like Loading...

Two Medieval Monks Inventing Things

17 Saturday Oct 2015

Posted by aethgazette in Humor

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

humor

2monks1If you have not yet seen the web series “Two Medieval Monks…”, go hence and enjoy some delicious illumination-based humor!

You can find the complete archive here.

With titles like Two Monks Discover How Tall Women and Horses Are, Two Monks Invent Religious Iconography and Two Medieval Monks Invent Dinner Parties, how could you go wrong?

Share this:

  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Email

Like this:

Like Loading...

Breaking News: A Brief History of Fart Jokes

01 Wednesday Apr 2015

Posted by Lis Gelatt in Aoife's Links, Esoterica, Humor

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Aoife, Aoife's Links, April Fools, Historic Document, illumination, Lisbeth Gelatt, manuscript

NOT SAFE FOR WORK!

Some manuscript examples in the links below contain medieval drawings of nudity, which may or may not contain intimate body parts your boss will hate to see on your work monitor/device. Seriously. You might not want to show your squeamish spouse, either. In fact, I’m not too sure I want to see them again. Read on at your own intellectual peril, because fart jokes, while perfectly historical, may cause your employer to fire you and your I.Q. to drop alarmingly. ~Aoife

Img: The Fridge Art Society    IMG source: The Fridge Art Society. Bodily Function has been humorous throughout our period of study.

Just in time for April Fool’s Day, I am …proud? No. …excited? Not quite. Superlatives fail me, but I have plumbed the depths of the internet to find something funny to satisfy your inner twelve-year-old on this esteemed holiday.

Our historical counterparts weren’t as squeamish as we modern versions might be when it comes to bodily functions. And hey, show me somebody who has never laughed at a fart joke, and I will show you some pantalones del fuego. Here, for your delectation therefore, I present to you a list containing images and anecdotes of historical folks making themselves one with the internal winds of nature. From Shakespeare to Abu Hassan, who farted so loudly that it was used as a time reference from then on (you know, like ‘after the Hurricane’). Behold, the power of farting.

I shall now slink ashamedly into my cave and beat myself with a cat o’ nine tails until a more adult topic comes to mind for my next links list. Suggestions welcome.

Cheers,

Aoife
Dame Aoife Finn of Ynos Mon
m/k/a Lis Gelatt
…somewhere in Aethelmearc.

Who knew illuminated manuscripts contained so many fart and poop jokes?  This is a brief article on farts and related bodily functions in marginalia, as those weird little decorations on medieval manuscripts are called. Oh, how the creation of those drawings must’ve been very tedious, given all the naughty illustrations they contain. There are links to more images, in comments at the end of the article.

bull

Img: People of Color in European Art History

Saturday Timewaster: Japanese Fart Scrolls  “I did find out enough to know that this isn’t the only farting scroll out there in existence – in fact, in the 90s, a collection of fart scrolls sold for $1,500 at the famous Christie’s auction house.” So says Hiyoshi, the page author. Sadly, he also made a video to accompany the images. I was not brave enough to try it, but go ahead. You know you want to.

Collectors Weekly: Naughty Nuns, Flatulent Monks, and Other Surprises of Sacred Medieval Manuscripts   Kaitlyn Manning of B. L. Rare Books and Manuscripts said ““I think it’s such a shock when you have this idea in your head of what medieval society was like,…and then you see these bizarre images that make you question your assumptions.” The wild mixture of illustrations challenges our contemporary need to compartmentalize topics like sex, religion, humor, and mythology.”

Funny Junk: Medieval Marginals  “Medieval Marginalias, dating from 500-1500 CE. In these photos we see that the true evolution of the human race is only the methods in which we consume fart, poop, and penis jokes. And of course, a vast number of homicidal bunnies.”

Untitled

IMG source: Portable TV

 UltraGross: The Fart Jokes of William SHakespeare  “Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! Rage, blow!” The authors of Ultra Gross have combed Shakespeare for references to flatulence. You might be surprised at how many references they found!

Portable TV. Fart Proudly: The Best Fart Jokes in the Classics   This web article is in the form of a slideshow. From Ulysses to Benjamin Franklin, scholarly hours have been spent reading and combing the classics for fart references. As far as juvenile-subject work goes, I am amazed that this was a terrific read.

Further Fart Reading

Ramsey G. 2002. ‘A Breath of Fresh Air: Rectal Music in Gaelic Ireland’ in  Archaeology Ireland Vol. 16, No. 1. Dublin.

Enders, Jody, Ed./Trans. 2011 “The Farce of the Fart” and Other Ribaldries:  Twelve Medieval French Plays in Modern English. Philadelphia.

Yes, those books are real, scholarly works on farting. No joke.

Share this:

  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Email

Like this:

Like Loading...

What Does Your Heraldry Actually Say About You?

01 Wednesday Apr 2015

Posted by aethgazette in Humor

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

April Fools, Heraldry

An SCA device can be viewed as a Rohrschach test to learn more about the Scadian who registered it. Let’s see what these devices tell us about their owners, shall we?

Here are 16 actual registered devices of people in Æthelmearc. Please note that this is all intended in good fun, and since most of these belong to people we call friends, we hope it’s taken that way!

1. You like to stick needles in Scotsmen’s kilts. Or sometimes maybe into the Scotsmen.

Image1

Click to see whose arms these are

2. You have a complicated relationship with deer.

Image2

Click to see whose arms these are

3. You have no interest in drawing anything but straight lines.

Image3

Click to see whose arms these are

4. You may have a slight fixation on swords.

Image4

Click to see whose arms these are

5. You played too much Frogger as a kid.

Image5

Click to see whose arms these are

6. You have some pretty bizarre nightmares.

Image6

Click to see whose arms these are

7. You’re a big fan of Dr. Seuss.

Image7

Click to see whose arms these are

8. You are a pool shark.

Image8

Click to see whose arms these are

9. You are practicing to be a hypnotist.

Image9

Click to see whose arms these are

10. You have a little list of people you want to shoot. Nine of them, to be precise.

Image10

Click to see whose arms these are

11. You are obsessed with the musical “Cats.”

Image11

Click to see whose arms these are

12. You like people to think you’re just a sweet, non-threatening girl. Then when they get close enough, you stab them.

Image12

Click to see whose arms these are

13. You are secretly an alien who came here from another planet.

Image13

Click to see whose arms these are

14. You have murder on your mind.

Image14

Click to see whose arms these are

15. You really dig French vampires.

Image15

Click to see whose arms these are

16. We… uh… just… what?

Image16Click to see whose arms these are

Bonus points if you can identify the owners of these arms!

Happy April Fool’s Day!

It’s all Arianna’s fault.

All images taken from the Æthelmearc Kingdom Roll of Arms, which is maintained by Mistress Alheydis von Körckhingen.

Share this:

  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Email

Like this:

Like Loading...
← Older posts
Newer posts →

Follow Blog via Email

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Æthelmearc Gazette

Æthelmearc Gazette

Categories

  • 50 Year
  • A&S Champs
  • A&S Competition and Display
  • A&S Faire
  • AE 300
  • AELive
  • Announcements
  • Aoife's Links
  • Archery
  • Arts & Sciences
  • Autocratting
  • Awards
  • Æthelmearc History
  • Bardic
  • Book Reviews
  • Brewing
  • Camping
  • Combat Archery
  • Competitions
  • Cooking
  • Corporate News
  • Costuming
  • Court Reports
  • Crown Tourney
  • Dance
  • demos
  • Equestrian
  • Esoterica
  • Event Announcements & Updates
  • Event Reports
  • Feast
  • Fencing
  • Fiber Arts
  • Food
  • Gaming & Fun
  • Gulf Wars
  • Heavy List
  • Heraldry
  • Herbalism
  • Humor
  • Ice Dragon
  • In memoriam
  • Interviews
  • Kingdom News
  • KMOAS
  • Largesse
  • Music
  • Newcomers
  • Officer Announcements
  • Pennsic
  • Poetry & Prose
  • Populace-in-focus
  • Quarterly reports
  • Research
  • Royalty
  • SCA @ Home
  • SCA History
  • SCA Shop Talk
  • Scribal
  • Service
  • Siege
  • The AEthelmearc 300
  • Thrown Weapons
  • Tidings
  • Uncategorized
  • Youth Activities
  • Youth combat

RSS The Æthelmearc Gazette

  • Pennsic Postponed Until 2022
  • Known World Italian Salon is April 23-24
  • To Kindle a Mighty Blazon

Powered by WordPress.com.

loading Cancel
Post was not sent - check your email addresses!
Email check failed, please try again
Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.
%d bloggers like this: