Here’s another in our continuing (two counts as continuing, right?) series of alternate histories. This one involves a different kind of revolt…

Pacifism wrapped in duct tape. That’s what they called it. P.C. (Period Correct) culture had run wild, they said. The history of the Pax Æthelmearcus League (PÆL) was written in the fake blood of simulated martyrs. Few recall it now, and those that do shudder to speak of it. The trauma of those trying times never seems to grow as dim with the passing years as we do. But I will tell you. I will tell you because our mock struggle meant something, dammit. We dreamed of a Middle Ages as it should have been…

The movement gained momentum slowly at first. It began with a few rogue Laurels like Mistress Chrestienne de Waterdene and Master Valgardr Gunnarsson, who said they were tired of the incessant, faux-killing and imitation mayhem every Pennsic. Every year the same people would feign being brutally slaughtered, again and again. Had it been actual battle, it would have been absolutely horrifying. We had had enough.

Bloodthirsty fighters at Pennsic. Photo by Lady Àine ny Allane.

There had been too much bruising. There had been too many strains and wrenched joints. We had had our fill of tending the mildly injured with Tiger Balm and homemade beer. Our gorge would rise at the thought of one more case of dehydration. We were weary of carrying the weight of the Kingdom’s cultural legacy like so many milk jugs of diluted Gatorade while so many of our youth were mindlessly indoctrinated into a cult of pretend violence.

The movement’s leaders, Master Fridrikr Tomasson and Mistress Orianna Fridrikskona. Photo by Mistress Irene von Schmetterling.

Our made-up angst was simmering toward boiling. Mistress Charmaine of Falkensee wept for the pseudobrutality that would, if this were actual reality, have been visited on those who might have existed, but did not. Master Bedwyr Danwyn’s affectations of righteous rage would surely have led to some sort of not unexplosive action had they been genuine expressions of passion, but it was yet to be. The Rhydderich Hael Galligraphers’ Guild was a crackling maelstrom of counterfeit vehemence, but without true false focus. It was only when the Kingdom Ministers of A&S, Master Fridrikr Tomasson and Mistress Orianna Fridrikskona, became vocal proponents of our fabricated cause that it really hit its stride, and took flight like some sort of kite shaped like a bird or something.

At Ice Dragon, the artisans, bolstered by the brewing entries, attempted a boycott of the pentathlon until the fighters and fencers agreed to cease and desist their fictitious aggression. Mistress Felicitas Fluβmüllnerin, Mistress Alicia Langland, and their apprentices were some of the first to fall in this action – of terminal ennui. When this fanciful act of civil disobedience failed, the Pelicans and their protégés stormed the field at War Practice, vowing to drag the mock-combatants to the Great Hall and force them to actually wash the very real breakfast dishes, but they were repulsed by the water-bearers and siege engineers in a concocted rout so vicious that many good gentles swore never to eat breakfast again. Master Creador Twinedragon, Mistress Ekaterina Volkova, and their associates took many artificial casualties as they pretend-fought on both sides of this spurious argument.

Mistress Felicitas and her pacifist minions in the movement’s uniform. Photo by Mistress Felicitas.

Finally, at Pennsic 47, the forces of PÆL could take no more, and what had been a series of inauthentic skirmishes erupted into make-believe, full-scale, peaceful violence.

Master Fridrikr leads the pacifists onto the field. Photo by Lady Amalie Reinhardt.

Naturally, it was the Heralds who led the charge, meticulously correctly emblazoned banners flying. They’d had enough of people who knew no difference between “vivat” and “vivant,” blaming the fighters for the Kingdom’s ignorance on a matter of such dire import. As former Silver Buccle Herald, Master Fridrikr organized them into a cohesive unit that, along with the cooks, weavers, blacksmiths, bards, leatherworkers, scribes, embroiderers, and seamsters, took down every Knight and MoD on the field with an affected efficiency so whimsically ruthless that some even doubted its falsity. Master Will Parris, Earl Marshal, and Duke Christopher Rawlins, Kingdom Seneschal, joined forces with groups like House Sable Maul, the Confed troops, House Arindale, Hus Fearhaga, the Southern Watch, and the Tuchux, but to no avail. Who knew that artisans had so many potentially yet dubiously deadly weapons? Well, Master John Michael Thorpe knew….

Mistress Zoe, clearly at the end of her rope, pleading for mercy. Photo by Baron Steffan Wolfgang von Ravensburg.

After lengthy debate, the Promptly Contrived PÆL Co-Prosperity Council (PCPCPC) chose to spare the Grandmaster Bowmen and Marksman on the grounds that they targeted inanimate objects, not combatant personas, much to the relief of Baron Edward Harbinger and Master Antonio de Luna. However, the combat archers were ersatz-condemned with the rest (though Mistress Zoe Akropolitina didn’t go down without a fight).

And that, my children, is the fiercely imaginary and mythically savage history of how Pennsic 47 became the first true “Peace” fake “War.” No more would Scadians live in figmental fear that a chunk of rattan or an overly whippy rapier might temporarily end their personas’ supposed lives. No more would our children learn the ways of delusory war. Simulated swords were beaten into rather splintery and ineffectual ploughshares, and the land of Æthelmearc finally knew real peace.

This alternate history is brought to you by Master Daniel del Cavallo and Mistress Arianna of Wynthrope, who dream of a world that never was, but maybe someday could be…. Happy April Fool’s Day!

This is a story about an alternate universe, where the Squire’s Revolt of A.S. 51 succeeded. Was it utopia or chaos? It depends on your point of view.

King Láegaire with his co-conspirators, Lord Cormacc and Sir Murdoch. Photo by Lady Christina Mary Lowe, aka Jinx.

After the surprise success of the Squire’s Revolt that began in the fall of A.S. 51, Lord Láegaire Mac Conaill Meic Shiadahail has really shaken things up as the new King for Life. Lord Cormacc mac Ghille Brigde and Sir Murdoch Bayne helped place him on the throne with the assistance of Lady Elena de la Palma’s sleeping potions (discreetly added to Their Previous Majesties’ and Highnesses’ tea during 12th Night court). Once asleep, former King Marcus and Queen Margerite were gagged, bound, and together with their daughter, placed on a boat headed for sanctuary in the Barony of Nordmark, Kingdom of Drachenwald, with Jewel Herald Maestro Orlando di Bene del Vinta at their side. As the galleon set sail, ex-King Marcus was heard shouting, “Jag kommer sänka dig, ditt otacksamma kräk!”* Meanwhile, Prince Timothy and Princess Gabrielle have fled to Atlantia, as all 147 of His Highness’s squires flocked to King Láegaire’s banner.

Former King Marcus mercilessly beating his erstwhile squire, now King Láegaire. Photo by Karli Champ.

Asked what prompted the revolt, King “Roo-Roo” Láegaire rolled his eyes and said “It was the children. The beatings, the lousy food (I mean, really, you can only eat so many Swedish fish), the sleeping on the floor, even the crouching in the back of the wain beside the Dread Empress Ingrid for miles, that I could take. I didn’t even complain when King Marcus refused to share his cigars. But when Marcus and Margerite had the children chase me while I ran with the chest of toys, with scant seconds of lead time until they arrived to tear me limb from limb – it was a horror show! I had to rid the land of those tyrants!”

King Láegaire has retained his consort, the eternally bemused Lady (now Queen) Mara of Hartstone, who seems to have busied herself trying to keep the Kingdom from falling into complete disarray under his yoke benevolent rule.

Master Will Parris, the somewhat baffled highest-ranking peer in King Láegaire’s realm. Photo by Jinx.

Among his many controversial rulings, King Láegaire’s rearranging of the Order of Precedence, making the Order of the Silver Buccle the highest award in the Realm, has elevated Master Will Parris to the senior non-royal peer in Æthelmearc. Master Will expressed some surprise at his new status, noting that it had been so long since he was inducted into the Silver Buccle that he’d kind of forgotten about it. When King Láegaire was asked why he would elevate a children’s order to such heights when it was rampaging children that inspired his rebellion, His Majesty only muttered incoherently about blackmail.

In addition, some have contested the King’s creation of a new peerage, claiming only the BoD has that power, but the number of gentles in the Order of the Bromance continues to grow. It is bestowed on those who show true dedication to “bromance” (regardless of gender; bromance is gender-neutral, after all) and bromantic pairs are often elevated together, further breaking tradition.

Resistance against the rule of King “Roo-Roo” Láegaire has coalesced around Duke Maynard von dem Steine, who believes he can bring King Láegaire down through proof of tax evasion. “He just has too many ducats to be the humble squire he claims to be,” said His Grace. Master Tofi Kerthjalfadsson, Kingdom Exchequer, agrees and is said to be combing Kingdom records for proof of the usurper’s criminal activities.

Baroness Beatrix Krieger receiving her Writ for the Chivalry at AEdult Swim. Were nefarious thoughts running through her mind? Photo by Lady Aine ny Allane.

Meanwhile, the kingdom waits with bated breath to hear what Baroness Beatrix Krieger will do. Her rumored collaboration with the rebellion may make her planned elevation into the Order of the Chivalry this Pennsic a trifle… awkward

Co-conspirator Lord Christian Goldenlok was forced to flee his homeland of Misty Highlands to avoid the wrath of his Knight, Sir Gareth Kincaid. He and his wife, Lady Adelyn Idesborn, have taken up residence in the Canton of Steltonwald, where they are hiding out until the birth of their firstborn child. Lord Christian is said to have plans – though whether to support or overthrow King Láegaire is unknown.

While there was some thought that the Curia would invalidate His Majesty’s usurpation liberation of Æthelmearc, his legion of squires and squire wannabees has proven too formidable a force. One of the ringleaders in the squire wannabee contingent, Lord Robert MacEwin of Thornhill, has been named His Majesty’s Royal Enforcer, with occasionally tragic results as Lord Robert cannot seem to decide whether to skewer his victims with a rapier or knock them unconscious (or worse) with a rattan sword.

Lady Elena de la Palma looks innocent, but what brew is in the cup she offers the Crown? Photo by Mistress Felicitas Flussmüllerin.

Rumors say that a coordinated invasion from the East and Middle is imminent, as their Princes intend to restore the rightful monarchy… or, perhaps, split Æthelmearc between them, unless Prince Timothy can muster sufficient forces from Atlantia to stop them as well as the usurper. King “Roo-Roo” Láegaire vows a vigorous defense, though how he will accomplish that without help from any of the chivalry except his Rasputin, Sir Murdoch, is anyone’s guess. In the mean time, he has taken the precaution of having one of his close retainers taste any potables offered by Lady Elena.

*  Swedish for “I will take you down, you ungrateful wretch!”

This story was concocted written by Mistress Arianna of Wynthrope and Lord Láegaire Mac Conaill Meic Shiadahail with Swedish assistance from Duke Sven Gunnarsson. Happy April Fool’s Day!